ArrivingPosted: March 23, 2012
Geographically, I am no longer where I want to be in my life. I used to be a very happy city girl, waltzing down the street to yoga class, to get a manicure, to see whats new at Anthro. Now we have a baby. I won’t lie and say that material destinations no longer interest me, but my priorities have definitely changed over the last few years. It has been coming for a while, this intense need to breathe fresh air, to go for a walk without worrying about if it is rush hour, to let the dog run free. We are lucky to live in a building with a generous lawn for dogs, even the hint of a forest…though the fact remains that trains rumble by every few minutes, and the sound of vehicles constantly lap at our front door.
While I am thankful we have a safe place to live right now, good jobs, food, and all the other necessities of life, I still have dreams about being something more. And this scares me. A lot. What if I aspire to something and fail? What if I wake up when I’m 42 and find I’m still waiting for the dream to take shape.
But then I have moments like yesterday, where I see that these are just fantastical and irrational fears. How long ago did I decide I want to be a Reference Librarian? Not that long ago. Like, 3 years ago. Maybe even less. And yesterday, sitting in the staff meeting, it hit me. I’ve arrived!
Sam, the Reference Librarian, had a whole section of the agenda dedicated to my department. I’ve made it!
Why then do my dreams feel so impossible sometimes? There is this fabulous job in Castine. I know I should apply for it. I know I’d be great at it. My voice of self-doubt has been trying to talk me out of it. “But you have a good job, you’re learning so much right now.”
“You don’t meet all their requirements. You’re public, that’s academic.”
“Blah Blah Blah.”
This weekend, I’m going for it. I hush that fear by the thought of living by the sea again. The idea of living in a cozy house in the woods with my family. Having a back yard that my son could build forts in with the dog.
And, as if the Universe is trying to tell me something, a wise friend wrote this in an email:
If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.
Career wise, I’ve arrived at one dream, only to launch into another.