Arriving

Geographically, I am no longer where I want to be in my life.   I used to be a very happy city girl, waltzing down the street to yoga class, to get a manicure, to see whats new at Anthro.   Now we have a baby.  I won’t lie and say that material destinations no longer interest me, but my priorities have definitely changed over the last few years.  It has been coming for a while, this intense need to breathe fresh air, to go for a walk without worrying about if it is rush hour, to let the dog run free.  We are lucky to live in a building with a generous lawn for dogs, even the hint of a forest…though the fact remains that trains rumble by every few minutes, and the sound of vehicles constantly lap at our front door.

While  I am thankful we have a safe place to live right now, good jobs, food, and all the other necessities of life, I still have dreams about being something more.  And this scares me.  A lot.  What if I aspire to something and fail?  What if I wake up when I’m 42 and find I’m still waiting for the dream to take shape.

But then I have moments like yesterday, where I see that these are just fantastical and irrational fears.  How long ago did I decide I want to be a Reference Librarian?  Not that long ago.  Like, 3 years ago.  Maybe even less.  And yesterday, sitting in the staff meeting, it hit me.  I’ve arrived!

Sam, the Reference Librarian, had a whole section of the agenda dedicated to my department.  I’ve made it!

Why then do my dreams feel so impossible sometimes?  There is this fabulous job in Castine.  I know I should apply for it.  I know I’d be great at it.  My voice of self-doubt has been trying to talk me out of it.  “But you have a good job, you’re learning so much right now.”

“You don’t meet all their requirements.  You’re public, that’s academic.”

“Blah Blah Blah.”

BE QUIET!

This weekend, I’m going for it.  I hush that fear by the thought of living by the sea again.  The idea of living in a cozy house in the woods with my family.  Having a back yard that my son could build forts in with the dog.

And, as if the Universe is trying to tell me something, a wise friend wrote this in an email:

If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.

Career wise, I’ve arrived at one dream, only to launch into another.

Go me!

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