Gajananam

Oh, how life is sweet! I used to be a horrible sleeper. Not only was I unable to fall asleep on my own, I would keep my dear partner awake for hours with incessant questions, complaints, kicks, sighs, and tears. It seems Karma has caught up with me. My sweet baby boy, whom I have dreamed about for years and years, is giving me back a exactly what I used to give to his father. Only, the infant version, which is just slightly more irrational and irreducible than the 25 year old woman version. I don’t even remember what it feels like to not be able to fall asleep anymore. Sure, I have five minutes here and there after getting up for the 6th time with the baby during the night (usually my iPad is to blame, at 4am its really just an expensive night light), but I have not experienced true sleeplessness in months and months.

An ambivalent state. I’ve always wanted to be one of those people like my husband who can fall asleep instantly. But now, in the few moments I have before I fall asleep, when I want to read just one more page, instead the baby cries, so I neither get to sleep nor to read.

Its a fine balance.

Here are the things we’ve tried in the last week to get baby Rex to sleep longer:

  • Rice cereal
  • Cry it out
  • Not crying it out
  • Daddy’s soothing
  • White noise
  • Fisher Price’s musical sea horse
  • Pacifiers
  • Sleeping in just a diaper

Nothing has worked consistently.

And yet, despite my agonized cries that join in with the baby’s chorus, I still feel profoundly lucky, special, and happy. He is my son.


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